Saturday, June 18, 2011

Noah 2011

What if Noah, tried to build the ark today in the United States?
On his iPhone Noah gets a text message from G-d:
"U have 6 months to build the ark B4 I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
In 3-D on his flat screen TV, Noah receives the blueprints which he emails to Home Depot.
Noah checks Angie’s List for the best Ark Builders then advertises for help on Craig’s List... in Spanish.
Six months later Noah is weeping in his yard, defeated and depressed.

"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Lord almighty" begins Noah.
"It took months for a building permit."
"My neighbors claim I've violated neighborhood zoning laws because the Ark is too high.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Good thing he’s my cousin."
"I'm still arguing with the Fire inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"The Department of Transportation demanded a bond for
the costs of moving power lines and clearing a passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they just laughed and said ‘Next’."

"Getting the wood was another problem with a ban on cutting local
trees in order to protect the besotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the owls, but they chained themselves to the trees!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that confining wild animals violated the animal’s human rights.
It’s cruel and inhumane to cram in so many animals. They need their space.
They suggested instead that the Ark could house the overflow prison population.
I had to join the Wildlife Conservation Society and become a licensed zookeeper and a PETA representative."

"Then the EPA ruled I had to stop building the ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Labor board as to how many minorities I'm supposed to hire.
Then there were the Two Thousand pages of ObamaCare regulations."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking green-card status and scaring away the good workers."

”The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with ark-building experience.
I had to build a picket fence to stop the picketing.”
"Today, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
“I told them the real problem was the overpopulation of asses.”

"So, forgive me, Lord, but even with the best Political Action Committee and voting Democrat
it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a multicultural rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy everything?"

"Nah, no point," said the Lord. "government beat me to it."