Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Happy New Year. Time for Humor

I wish you a Happy and Healthy New Year full of chuckles.

Isn't it interesting that, in this last election, pro-life voters were in favor of a first term abortion.

I thought the Mayan calendar stuff, about the end of the world as we know it in 2012, was a lot of bunk.  Then Obama got re-elected. 

Global warming is no more.  Now it's Climate Change.
Isn't that just language change?
We've been subject by the media to weeks of endless repetitive blah blah about Gun control.
And here I thought Democrats were against torture?
But, maybe they are on to something.  Keep it up for another few weeks and all the legal gun owners will shoot themselves.  No more gun control problem.
Or maybe the repetition is because they think we are hard of hearing?
Well, of course my mind went right to comedienne Gilda Radner and her hard of hearing media commentator on SNL, Emily Litella.  Imagine what she might have said.

Emily in her ticked off, whiny voice -
“What’s going on here?"
"The government is trying to take away our right to bare arms?  Why cover up?  Didn't they just say that we're warming up globally?  Is there a surplus of government subsidized, green, long gloves?”

“Doesn't anyone think about unintentional consequences?  What does this mean for the shopping public?   No more short sleeve shirts!  And that means less ironing for those poor Chinese laundries!  Do we subsidize them and the starch makers for the loss of demand? ” 

“Speaking of shirts, it’s perfectly legal, at least here in NYC, to bare my breasts in public.” (opens top shirt buttons)

Jane Curtain aghast -

Emily - “Hmm. Oh. Tee Hee.“
“What I’m saying is, if bare breasts are legal, what the big deal with bare arms!!!”
“Are these ARMS ugly?” - (standing and waving arms)

“What’s all this talk about taking our ARMS away! Are you Seeerious?”
“How would we eat? How would we open our - 16 oz. - soft drink, Mayor Bloomberg?”
“No more Football or Boxing.  Even more important, no more tiddlywinks!

“Now that I think of it, how would you guys masturb... (quick glare from Jane), uh, you know.”

“Ahem! The politicians are forcing people to wear long sleeves.  You know what that is, don’t you? It’s a COVER UP!” (bangs on the table)

- Emily?
- What?
- Emily, it’s the right to bear arms, not bare arms.
- Oh, that’s very different...

Never Mind.

- “Jane?”
- “Yes Emily?”
- “I have something to say about a Salt Weapon.”

Why discuss when you can disgust.

Enough talk.  Just redefine the words of the 2nd amendment like the liberal/progressive did with the "General welfare" clause and even the words Liberal and Conservative , for that matter.
It’s so simple. Insist that the meaning of the “right to BEAR arms” means only arms appropriate for bears.

Better yet ban all guns on the grounds of Animal rights. Just claim the “right to bear arms” was meant to ban those mean old hunters taking the arms off bears.
Alternatively, it is about Native American rights to sacred rituals involving bear arms.

Then again it could also mean those white, slave owning, deists were against animal rights by allowing hunters to keep bear arms. Ugh.
Conservatives should use the same redefinition strategy to counter the liberal redefinition of the General welfare clause.
It says the US can tax for the common defense and General welfare. Well it’s obvious isn’t it. Taxes should be used for the common defense and welfare for the Generals.

On a serious note:

There are a only a handful of crazies that have used legal guns to murder. There are many more people who used their legal guns to stop murders.
If it’s really about stopping murders, then it’s illegal guns we need to get off the streets.

As Jay Gaskill said, the solution is:

supporting local police staffing levels, push for tough firearm home storage laws, faster, more complete and sophisticated background checks for firearms purchases, and repeated searches of the convicted criminals living among us.”

Maybe this year, with Obama re-elected, we can dial back this out of hand, PC, racist, Atheist, diversity thing.
I'm tired of singing 'White' Christmas and feeling guilty somehow. 
Heck, you can't even say 'Christmas'.  Instead It's "Happy Holiday".
I wonder when the Atheists will realize that Holiday is 'Holy' Day and ban that word too.
What then? "Thank you sir or madam and a Merry Fiscal Cliff"?
Remember the white aide to the Black mayor of Washington DC who lost his job for using the word niggardly?
What's next?  Ahnold Schwarzenegger changing his last name to SchwarzenAfrican-American because negger is only one letter away from causing a race riot?
Or maybe Obama pulls the US embassy out of the African country Niger, for fear of white diplomats pronouncing it differently?
This insanity has even spread to replacing white gift boxes.
The demand among women has increased for the black ones.
Black packages are rumored to be larger.
The other day I saw a bumper sticker that said "Honky, if you don't like Obama".

I got a rental while my car was being maintained. It was black. When I asked why, they said that black really shows up the white dirt.

The bodega has a sign, "If it ain't black, it's whack." 
Somebody even altered the D.A.R.E. anti-drug message.  It now reads " Crack(er) is whack"
At breakfast, I asked for White Grits but all they had were Hash Browns.

Have you noticed that TV dinners now contain both white and dark meat and a diverse selection of something yellow and something brown.
Soon they will take away Christmas lights.  No more Hanukkah candles displayed in the window.
The department of Housing and Urban Development ruled that light is racist because it drives out the dark.
HUD is the same agency that determined that even people, who have no money to pay for a mortgage, should be able to live in a house.
Hey Dude, Where's my Language?
Last year the Administration defeated Al-Qaeda and eliminated all terrorists.
No, not by killing Bin Laden.  Rather, it was due to Obama's masterful strategy of banning the word "Terrorism".
Our faith in the President's veracity was renewed, and his election assured, when his state department scapegoat spokesperson assured us that the American Ambassador in Benghazi, Libya was murdered by spontaneous combustion demonstrations due to anger over an Internet trailer for a non-existent film. 

No terrorists "Man made disaster" mongers were involved.  
Optics is another word which was stolen from our vocabulary last year.
Optics used to mean having to do with light.  (see above for the PC problem with light). 
Optics now means "how it looks". 

So my Optician is now my Beautician?
'Optical Character Recognition' (OCR), which used to mean converting text to speech, now means a high profile award ceremony for Al Sharpton.
Converting Text to speech is also the foundation of the President's oratory ability; which is why OCR is now referred to as 'Teleprompting'.
Statistics show more people are depressed in the last 40 years than ever before.  But this is deceptive.
The survey still uses the old word for 'happy'.   The surveys are skewed by people no longer checking the box labeled 'I feel gay'. 

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